My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Generation gap…
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.