A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.