*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?