You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.