Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.