Oh yeah that’s it
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.