Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.