a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
You Might Also Like
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
This is my bus stop.