Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Google Pay be like:
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.