Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My teenage children choosing violence
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain