Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
My inexpensive home security system…
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now