My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Every house has this drawer
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*