Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to