[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.