he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.