My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
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Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
What a chick magnet..
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️