Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
👾👾👾
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.