The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Rambo Rambow
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”