Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.