Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me trying to walk in a dream
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.