My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here