I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’m a bad influence on myself.