Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.