I’m a bad influence on myself.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Best table by far
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!