[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.