Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means