God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
We found love in a hopeless place.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Yup
Uh oh…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
#NeverForget
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.