please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?