If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
He a real one for that
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.