(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.