Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
😂😂😂
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃