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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.