I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
New menu item
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school