People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him