A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
relationship goals
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.