I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Saturday
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.