[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.