[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
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*limbos away from your hug*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said