[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
pat pat
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Just me and my debit card against the world
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.