Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Every photo I’m tagged in
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.