If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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#damn
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits