Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?