Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.