You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You Might Also Like
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’m already scared
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good