(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I cannot stop laughing at this
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that