“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Cashiers are always checking me out
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My love language is hissing.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now