I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
🙂🙃🥹
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.