To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Ugh
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.