ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Look at this
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
some cats are just doing for fun!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.