british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Poetry is my passion
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Welcome
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.